The Samantha Project

whining or dwelling on the past, but no matter what it creeps up on me. I walk around covering my anger and pain with sarcasm and a sense of humor, but that only gets you so far. That's fine for my public face but when I get home I have to deal with the fact that I'm utterly and completely alone.

I don't have a mom, dad, cousins, uncles, aunts, or grandparents. I dont have anyone in my corner, I have no one I can call when I need some help, some advice, or just someone to hold me and tell me they love me. Someone to be proud of me hwen I succeed and to pick me up when I fail.

I don't doubt that my kids love me but I need an unconditional love, a familial love. On holidays my kids go to their dads houses and I sit in the house completley alone. I pretend it doesnt hurt when I sit here and watch people around me or on TV do things with their families , but it does. At Christmastime I pretend that I'd rather be alone, but really I would ratherebe around people I love, instead of at home crying out of anger and frustration. Pretending that spending all of my holidays at home alone is the way I want it...It's too painful and too shameful to tell people the truth, "I have nowehere to go."

Unless you have dealt with depression its hard to understand why people can't just snap out of it. People view us as lazy, flaky, unambitious, or just plain old crazy. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I know that I have to continue with my anti-depresants and also makec ertain lifestyle changes in order to get through this. I've been depressed for years. But, at this point I have hit rock-bottom. I plan on taking anti-depressants only for as long as I need them to get back on my feet, or off my couch?lol.

This blog is going to follow me on my path to recovery from depression. Right now I can?t make heads or tails of it. However, I doknow that I have to do something. I am watching my life pass by me dayby day as I lay on the couch wallowing in misery.

I have to get it together, but I am completely overwhelmed and I really don?t know where to start.

I?ve spent so much time living with depression, that I"ve allowed (unwillingly) everything around me to crumble.